5.12.2008

SI's All-Scandal Baseball Team

A rare forward from my busy brother....(my comments in italics)

Baseball's All-Scandal Team featuring:

First base: Mark McGwire Mob informers are easier to find than Big Mac
Second base: Billy Martin
Shortstop: Miquel Tejada The only active player on the list
Third base: Wade Boggs
Catcher: Paul Lo Duca Lo Duca was news to me but it makes sense
Left field: Barry Bonds Even without the steroid taint, he's got more skeletons than a coroner
Center field: Ty Cobb Truly one of the nastiest and least sportsmanlike stars of all time
Right field: Darryl Strawberry Should have been named Sniffberry but they got the straw part right
Designated snitchhitter: Jose Canseco Self-absorbed bitter needle junkie with terrible hair and a penchant for turning on former friends and teammates
Pitcher: Roger Clemens The poster child for bluster, lies, obfuscation and, eventually, tearful admissions and then jailtime, I hope
Pitcher: Dwight Gooden Dr. Feelgood and Straw were like a coke sniffing baseball star duo, they strike out and hit home runs during the day and snort massive piles of Columbian flake
Pitcher: John Rocker Racism IS alive and well in major league sports
Bench: Albert Belle, Rafael Palmiero, Sammy Sosa, Mickey Mantle Palmiero is the poster child for stupidity and hypocrisy, Sosa's the poster child for post-steroid pump shrinkage (he turned into his little brother when he went off the juice) and Albert Belle's the poster child for 'roid rage
Manager: Pete Rose I believe Pete Rose has gotten a raw deal and should be in the Hall for his accomplishments as a player and its a joke he's being held out because of a personal vendetta
Owner: George Steinbrenner Owners should own, players should play, coaches should coach and the Steinbrenners should SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
Trainer: Brian McNamee I have no animosity towards McNamee except for that his injections helped the Yankees cheat and win more games than they had a right to. On second thought, burn him!

I skipped over some of the lessor known and not so contemporary players to focus on these fellas. I find it rather interesting that, of all of those listed above, one is still playing, Miquel Tejeda. The rest have gone into hiding or are scaring the shit out of local yokels on company teams (can you imagine facing John Rocker at the company picnic?).

It may not be actually true but it seems like the majority ran afoul of cocaine and hot chicks (or in Clemens' case, HGH and fugly country singers).

Who else should be on the list?
I'd say Ken Caminiti's one, Jeff Kent should get an honorable mention for being such an ornery liar (broke his wrist riding his motorcycle in contradiction to his contract and lied about it), Scott Boras (not a ball player but he's done as much more harm to the game than any other non-player by disvirtue of his contract negotiations and escalating salaries) and Bud Selig (complicit and profited from rampant steroid use as owner and commissioner). I'm sure there are plenty, plenty more that could be added here.

[Update: Big Joe read the post before I'd had a chance to amend it to remove Tony Gwynn from the list. I'd crossed my wires and was thinking about Kirby Puckett who got crazy after his retirement and might have been crazy during his playing days. Apologies to Padres fans and fans of Mr. Gwynn. My brain isn't quite up to full speed after last week's meltdown.]

0 comments: