12.12.2006

Celebrity (Non)Scents

I thought it would be some snarkalicious fun to make up scents for celebrities and pseudo-celebrities and, that most annoying class of public figure, false celebrities (the people who've done nothing to warrant the public's knowledge of them) that reflected their outward personalities. Maybe unfair, maybe funny, I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet.

The format will be Celebrity Name's Perfume/Cologne Name - ingredients selected to attempt to represent them.

Jessica Simpson's Stupid - tuna fish, collagen and suntan oil.
Robin Williams's Ar, Ar, Ar - burnt plastic, hair oil and shave gel.
David Caruso's Arch - SPF 300 sunscreen, ground up clovers and Lucky Charms.
Mel Gibson's Hate - tequila, melted Hanukah chocolate and motor oil.
Michael Richards's Racist - bananas and ugli fruit.
Andy Dick's Look At Me - ass juice, fragrance-free astroglide and distilled water.
K-Fed's Trash - rotting garbage, vomit and dingleberries.
George W. Bush's Smarmy - garlic, bitter lemon and gun oil.
Britney Spears' Y'All - cheetos, bubble gum and baby wipes.
Paris Hilton's (I am) Hot - gauze, surgical scrub soap and hydrogen peroxide.
Matthew McConaughey's Studly - his own sweat, his own toe jam and his own spit.
Lindsay Lohan's Party Girl - pot smoke, Jaegermeister and bile.
Tom Cruise's Loony - lithium, Paxil and tooth whitener.
Kirstie Alley's Gunky - maple syrup, Dexatrim and collagen.
Madonna's Twatchy - FDS, menthol and mothballs.
Lewis Black's Enraged - smoke, BO and Kool-Aid.
Sylvester Stallone's Yo! - salami, raw eggs and chest hair.
Drew Barrymore's Whimsy - jellybeans, belly button lint and clouds.
Dick Cheney's Black Heart - coal, ashes and rattlesnake poison.
Tara Reid's Ooops - Bacardi 151, vitamin E oil and pepto bismol.
Nicole Richie's Scrawny - celery, feathers and breath mints.
Charlie Sheen's Pay Up - viagra, KY jelly and cocaine.
Flava Flav's Ho! Juice - battery acid, vinegar and mascara.
Kelly Ripa's Ditz - throat lozenges, hair spray and menthol cigarettes.

Alright, alright, I've gotta put a stop to it here or I'll just keep going on all night.

Funny thing is, I'm pretty proud of some of these combinations. So much so that I might make this a regular feature of Intellectual Poison. Got some that you come up with? Share them in the comments. Or, let me know if there's a celebrity you'd like me to take a whack at designing their signature (non)scent. Like 'em? Tell me which one you liked most.

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