An Intellectual Poison Special: An Honest Advert for the H2 Hummer
After driving over Highway 17, possibly the most dangerous highway in America due to the sinuous nature of it, dropoffs, mountain fog, drizzly rain and utter stupidity of some of the drivers, on the way to the baseball game in Oakland today (in time to get two Miquel Tejada Bobbleheads!) I came up with an honest advertisement for the ridiculous oversized monstrosity that is the H2 Hummer.
And it goes a little something like this......
Hey, all you fat, balding white guys! Want to make a vain attempt to recapture some of your lost glory? You know, that big man on campus feel that you had all through high school when you were still cool? Only now you're out of school, you're not cool and the only campus you go near is the one at your work only its not a campus, its a geek farm?
Then you should get yourself a Hummer, a new H2 Hummer that is. The all new, luxurized H2 Hummer has all the bells and whistles, ball shriveling power and a devil-may-care stance on the road. Tell the world, "I've got a small penis and big bank account (or just the willingness to take on some massive consumer debt, GO AMERICA!)"
Show those tree huggers and "green" people that you're just too darned important to give a damn about 8 miles to the gallon as you navigate this behemoth over anything.
And don't you worry about safety, the Hummer's so stupidly oversized that you can drive right over other cars and even most other SUV's and not even skip a beat on our thumpity thump, window rattling LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, PLEASE LOOK AT ME stereo system. Thumb your nose at convention, hell you can hold your own convention in side the plush leather interior of the Hummer. Heck, you might even get a hummer in a Hummer!
Sure, we put on turn signals, brakes and other "safety" features but that's just so the best truck in the universe can get past those bastards in the government. Don't feel compelled to use any of them, just point the hood where you want to go and stomp on the accelerator. Oops, was that a Honda? Or a Toyota? No worries, leave all your troubles behind you as you tool along while hoping and praying that someone will see you and think "Now there goes a cool guy in a cool truck."
The Hummer is what you need, it'll make up for your pathetically small penis and inability to maintain an erection without a chemist's help. It'll make people overlook those horrible acne scars that scare children. It'll make you seem smarter, wittier and sexier. Even if its all in your own tiny little mind.
So open your wallet and get ready to drive over life with both hands. And hey, if life gets you down, just back up and run it over again and again.
So go out and buy yourself a Hummer, its probably the only way you'll ever get that wee little wick of yours wet.
Or some such like that.
Why am I down on Hummers and SUVs? Because they are yet another display of conspicuous consumption, another outlay of cash in a recession. Another stupid failed attempt to force people to think you are somebody when you're really not. They are dangerous, gas guzzling, road hogging death machines that people still seem to think can be driven like sports cars, regardless of the fact that they're fucking trucks with big engines and Corinthian leather seats.
We tailed a moron in one of these stupid trucks over the hill today, not once did the asshole piloting it use a turn signal as he weaved in and out of traffic vainly attempting to get there ahead of everyone. He cut people off without a care, even on the frigging hairpin. And when we did pull even with him, he was a dough boy. A fat, stupid looking, balding white fuck who was grinning to himself while endangering everyone near him. Grinning to himself because he was sure to get laid when he showed up with that truck. Oh yeah. I hope his hand rejects him later on and he's forced to go eat more Kentucky Fried and watch the WWF while thinking that, yeah, he could do that if he really wanted to, as he schedules his next appointment at the Hair Club for Men to get more ass hair rammed into his skull.
If I do ever get my three wishes, one of them just might be to replace all the SUVs in the world that have never been used for the purposes they were intended, namely, for travelling off road (or protecting one's kids but tha means you can't drive it like an asshole), to be turned into little pink polka dotted VW bugs with cutesy license plates like "HOTSTFF" and "PRTYBOY" and "MSTRB8R" (oooh yeah, I worked on that last one for a little while) and the SUV being permanently erased from the human consciousness. The other two wishes? I'll have to think about those for a bit.
Perhaps I need to expand this just a little bit for clarity's sake. I don't think everyone who owns and drives an SUV is an asshole, that would mean my brother is a part time asshole and Jay would be a full time asshole. And neither case is true. Peter, my brother, has an SUV because they own a farm in upstate New York and they need it to get there safely in the winter. He is also driving around with my nephew and that means its okay to buy a big protective vehicle. Same thing for Jay, he's got a new son and needs the protection. Neither of them drive the trucks like they are sports cars, they drive them respectfully and without feeling the need to swerve from lane to lane without signals.
Not all SUV drivers are wankers but the one's who think its just another sports car but with four wheel drive and they drive them as such, THEY are assholes because they endanger other people with their huge vehicles. Just like someone who drives a semi who swerves all over the road is an asshole.
Hope that clarifies things just a little bit. If not then let me know and I'll take another stab at it.