My Twitter Follow Back Formula

Because I am, at heart, a nerd in a Greek god's body, I run a series of calculations to arrive at most every decision I consciously make during the day. From the risk/reward calculation about either blocking the asshole in the pickup driving like he's in the Indy 500 or just letting him go to whether the deliciousness of a pair of Wendy's Double Stack burgers is sufficient to offset the gut bomb of fat and empty calories.

Seriously, I do this all day, every day. I always have and expect that I always will.

So it is natural, when it comes to Twitter that I'd apply the same rules of the road, as it were. I thought I'd try and detail my thought process in deciding to follow or not follow a new Tweep, or, in rare cases, blocking them entirely.

Satisfying these minimum req's isn't a guarantee of a follow but missing any of these is pretty likely to result in a non-follow.
1. An avatar. The default little o big O thing shows a stunning lack of creativity.
2. A bio.
3. An url linked to your website, not MySpace, not Facebook and not, not, not to Twitter or Google, you're not being clever, you're being annoying.
4. Updates, not retweets, not links to boner pill sites, not links to free laptop/iphone/Xbox sites. Updates are personal, they are interesting, they are readable (txt spk makes me want to smack you, sorry). Some retweets are totally fine but if that's all you do or if all you do is post links to your site then I'm just not interested.
5. A low signal to noise ratio. If you tweet every two minutes about every minute thing happening to you then you will be unfollowed quickly.
6. A really high ratio of followed to followers. I've seen people following 3,000 and having less than 10 follow them, this is a pretty clear sign that you have little of value to share with the community.
7. Auto direct messages (DM) upon following exhorting me to visit your website. If you're on a trial follow period (and you are) and you do this then you have failed and will be faillowed (which is a brand spanking new word for fail followed, i.e. unfollowed).
8. Being funny - being funny is a great way to get me to follow you. Being funny, mildly vulgar and female is even better (see @everydaystrange for a perfect example of this trinity of awesomeness).
9. A cool background pic on your Twitter page never hurts.
10. Readable tweets - I've seen some color choices that make reading the tweets all but impossible. Grey lettering on a white background is ANNOYING!, not cool.
11. Be interesting. Simple.

This list is, by no stretch, comprehensive. It is ever changing depending on conditions, mood, wind speed and the angle of the sun's rays hitting the earth. I am capricious, I am, occasionally, vengeful, I am always seeking something or someone that can make me laugh.

What's your Twitter follow back formula? Post it in the comments. And, as always, you're welcome to follow me on Twitter, just don't take it personally if I don't follow you back.
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