9.18.2008

The Vetting Tapes Released!

I've just received an actual tape of the McCain campaign's call to meet/investigate Sarah Palin before offering her the vice presidency. This is, from all reports, the sum total of their contact before bringing her on board the Double Talk Express.

"Hi, is this Governor Palin?"

"You betcha! I wear lipstick and like earmarks unless you don't like earmarks and then I'll not like them again but only because you don't like them too. Oh and guns, I loooooove guns and shooting animals from airplanes in the air!"

"Heaven help me, your voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard fed through one of those roll & rock amplifiers the kids are so into. I understand you don't believe in global warming, evolution or the reality that Iraq is a colossal fucking mess that we're going to have a nightmare getting out of. How'd you like to be my vice president?"
Unintelligible squealing, hysterical guffaws and some gasps later, "That was a really funny joke, sir."

"No joke, your nasally voice combined with your extremist religious beliefs are just the smokescreen we need right now. The Democrats will shit themselves when I announce you, it'll be great and we can ride a wave of religious nuttery straight into the Oval Office."

"Oval Office?"

"Where the president works in the White House?" said the jowly old senior adulterer from Arizona.

"Oh, I thought you were referring to the toilet, hahaha," she laughed loudly, ironically like a braying donkey.

John McCain held the telephone at arm's length and grimaced.

"Before we go on, you don't have any skeletons in your closet I should know about? No ironic personal affairs that contradict your public statements or abuses of power? Say, how are you on foreign policy?"

"I've been to Canada and Mexico, how's that work? Oh wait, I can see Russia from my desk. And no, I'm an absolute saint, just ask any Alaskan, except those traitorous bastards who had the nerve disagree with me on anything, ever," replied the perky bespectacled zealot.

"You'll be perfect, the Democrats are going to have a nightmare figuring you out and reacting and the feminists are going to shit themselves. Good to have you aboard the Straight Talk Express," said McGrimace.

"Um, sir, do I have to be honest and forthright and truthful on the Straight Talk Express?"

"Oh, hell no, its a GOP thing, we name things the opposite of what they really are. Do
No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act ring a bell? We like to name things so that the knuckleheads will think they're good when they're just the same old disgusting doublespeak the GOP's come to be known for," he answered without even a hint of shame.

"Thank goodness for that, sir, because I can't seem to tell the truth no matter how hard I try. And that was a lie too, I hope nobody starts counting them," she answered.

They exchanged a few more pleasantries, talked about shooting animals from planes and helicopters for fun, about how pro-choice is pro-sin and whether or not creationism should be taught alongside of or just replace evolution entirely in our schools.

The above is totally and absolutely true to the best of my knowledge and I'd swear on a stack of state emails printed out from Governor Palin's Yahoo! account to that end. Or not. Actually, yeah, probably not.

Image used with permission from the Gallery of the Absurd because 14 rocks. Go read and enjoy her entire blog and click her advertisements and leave her comments about how awesome she is.
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