9.09.2008

Plodding Ennui

Some days it feels like its a victory to get one foot out in front of the other. Some days it feels like a victory to open my eyes in the morning. Some days it feels like everything is just spinning in circles until it breaks, falls down and dies.

The last few days have been like this. Going through the motions without any emotion behind the action.

I'm feeling planted but not grounded.
I'm feeling needed but not appreciated.
I'm feeling pulled but not drawn.
I'm feeling sad after being reminded of the unnecessary death of my ex.
I'm feeling almost nothing.
I'm feeling like life has been drained of its interest and color.
I'm feeling the combination of depression and apathy that tends to mark my birthdays as they approach.
I'm feeling stretched too thin.
I'm feeling pushed too far.
I'm feeling like something has got to give.

I'm really feeling like what I really need is a day, week or month off to not have any responsibilities, chores, kids, wives or dogs to command my time and attention. But I'm also well aware that there's little to no chance of anything resembling a break anytime soon. And that doesn't really help me not feel like there's just no point to the whole stupid merry-go-round.

Only I know inside that there's an amazing and awesome world out there. I just don't have access to it these days. I know that I'll wake up soon with a different mindset. I know that life travels in big looping cycles and I'm approaching or just past the low point. But knowing is just one part of the battle.

Plus, I'm sure the dreary sprinkling rain isn't helping at all.
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