3.15.2007

A Man Deeply in Need of a Cock Punch

Simon Cowell, the farkin' asshole judge on American Idol, will declare in an interview for "60 Minutes" to air this Sunday that he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen.

Yes. Because Bruce Springsteen's only recorded a whole crapload of songs that are part of the American fabric and Simon "Farkin'" Cowell has sat in disgusted and rude judgment over idiots who think they can sing.

That's right, Simon Cowell is bigger and more important than The Boss, who wrote and sang "Born in the USA".

Why? Because Simon "My Farts Smell Like Cotton Candy" Cowell has MADE STARS! He has judged, found far, far too many wanting but, through the power of his own superduper powers, he molds losers into superstars. Sure, he can't sing or dance or actually DO anything but he's bigger, better and more awesomer than Bruce Springsteen.

Would someone please just drop him down a well so all his rejects can gather up and sing him a tribute album, "Sending Our Bile Down a Well" or something tasteful.

I hated American Idol before, due in large part to the simpering asshatery that is Simon Cowell, and these ridiculous proclamations of greatness from a fucking JUDGE on a crap fake reality show certainly won't help. Something pretty seriously wrong with a broker (which is what he really is) putting himself ahead of the artists he's supposed to be supporting. But then, he's a walking ego that gets off on knocking other people down, what would you expect?

He's quoted as saying he sells more records than Bruce Springsteen. I'm sorry, where's the Simon Cowell Croons Shitty Covers of Bad Pop Songs album? Oh yeah, it doesn't exist.

And yes, American Idol is among the worst pap on tv. The only reason to watch it now is to enjoy the freakouts, from the idiots who can't sing to Paula Abdul's medicated interviews. Oh yeah, and to imagine Ryan Seacrest doing gay porn because it just seems to fit him so well.

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