3.22.2005

The Intellectual Poison Steroid Usage Policy for MLB

There's been lots and lots of attention on steroids in baseball thanks to Jose Canseco and his "tell-all" book.

First off, Jose Canseco doesn't give a damn about anybody but Jose Canseco. He didn't write his book, well, he actually probably didn't write the book at all, but he didn't write the book to help keep kids of steroids. He didn't write the book to shine a light on the drug problem in major league baseball. He wrote the book to make money while taking easy shots at the sport that he feels owes him still even though he's a punk bitch who wouldn't have made it without the drugs.

Canseco is a self-absorbed dickfaced traitor to his sports, his ex-teammates and any remaining fans he might have once had. He's about making a buck, not helping other people. The sole positive thing I can say about him is that at least he got a fucking new haircut before the Congressional hearings. The bowl cut thing just looked utterly ridiculous, not that he's improved much but the new 'do is a step up.

That said, I would like to suggest to Major League Baseball how to permanently fix the steroid issue in baseball. Its simple but incredibly painful to implement.

The IP Steroid Testing Solution for Major League Baseball:
1. All steroid testing is to be done by an independent third agency and verified by another agency. All positive tests will require an immediate verification by retest.
2. All contracts will include a steroid clause that states: Steroids will not be tolerated in MLB, the first positive steroid result will incur the loss of an entire year's pay, including pay already recieved.
3. Second positive result for steroids results in a one year ban and loss of pay.
4. Third positive result for steroids equals a lifetime ban from the sport.

Write that into every contract moving forward and the stakes become far too high for a player to risk. Steroids would become a memory within a couple of years and with a couple of high profile "outings" and a banning or two.

But it won't happen unless the Bud "No Conflict of Interest" Selig steps aside and lets someone with some power take over running the sport. If the players want a level playing field then this is how to go about making one. It isn't complicated but don't confuse simplicity with easy. This will suck to put into practice but the game will be far stronger in the end because of it.

I am curious though, what did you all think of the hearings? Did Big Mac kill any chance at the Hall of Fame? Is Jose Canseco as enormous a douchebag as he appeared to be? Does anyone out there think Sammy's clean? What about Barry? How would you, or would you, change the record books?

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