Intellectual Poison

Welcome to the Most Ostentatious Time of the Year
Welcome folks, one and all, to the most irritating time of the year. The time of the year when car makers and diamond pimps try to coerce, guilt or force people into buying cars and big, expensive diamonds for their loved ones.
Its time for the commercials of wives surprising their husbands with a new Lexus or new Jaguar.
Its time for ads that show husbands lavishing six thousand dollar diamond pendants on their wives.
Its time for people to take on some extra massive consumer debt to prove that you love them. Because, as everyone knows, if you don't spend more than you can afford to for Christmas presents then you're a fucking asshole loser who should be kicked in the teeth and then kicked in the nuts.

I hate Christmas, I hate this entire month of false piety, I hate the aura of spend, spend, spend. I hate the advertising that attempts to make me feel bad because I won't be spending five thousand dollars on presents for my family and wife. I hate the fact that sometimes they succeed.

Who buys a car for their spouse at Christmas? Do they not realize that they'll be paying for it for the next four or five years? Who spends five thousand bucks on a ring or necklace? What the fuck is wrong with people to think that they have to eat another massive chunk of debt to prove (because dollars don't lie, dontcha know?) their love?

I used to like December, I used to like Christmas. Now I thoroughly hate the whole season because of its utter crassness, the shameless guilt tripping by fucknuts companies using a religious holiday (from a religion that I will never be a part of and is among the most hypocritical sons of bitches there is), I hate the tinkly shitty music being played in the malls, I hate the false cheer, I hate far, far too much about this fake season to want to be a part of it.

To paraphrase South Park, Merry Fucking Christmas.
Now get out there and spend until they say all of your cards are declined, its the American way!

And cue the music, "Its the most ridiculous timeeeeeee, of the year!"

Some Holiday Cheddar X Style Fun
This week's a little late with the but that's because of the holiday. Anyway, here's my responses, finally.

1. What's the funniest town name you've ever seen?
Armpit, Wyoming hands down (pun intended). Its a tiny town near the Montana border that's uninhabited and most of the buildings have burned down and we had a ball digging around in the rubble on our way to two weeks of caving (that's spelunking to the thesaurus set).

2. What was the last museum you went to?
We finally got down to Monterey a couple of weekends ago to check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Well worth the trip but try and hit it on a weekday if you can. Its too damned crowded on the weekends.

3. When was the last time you were grossed out? (I'd been thinking about narrowing this down to the last time you were grossed out a pal's house but why limit responses?)

4. What is the best blog title you've come across or made up on your own?
Definitely one of the best is Jim's Snooze Button Dreams and I think up cool names from time to time. The latest was some sort of derivation off the 69 theme or some kind of witty toilet humor. And of course, Intellectual Poison is still one of my favorites though I had a relative once ask me if I still wrote for my web log, Mental Vomit which is also pretty exceptional.

5. Do you live in your hometown now? What caused you to stay or move away?
Nope, hometown's Norwich, Vermont and I live in Santa Cruz, California now. I moved away because I hate winter, love the ocean and have always felt like a displaced Californian anyway. I miss New England sometimes but then I remember that it's almost December and I'm still riding my bicycles and motorcycle.

6. If you were a criminal mastermind, how would you take over the world?
I think the most interesting way would be to add a few trillion hits of LSD to the world's water supply and the simply assume control once everyone was having the most intense trip of their lives. Even if it failed it would make for one helluva an interesting week or two.

Want to play? Head over to the and join in the fun.

Birth of a New Concept
A new Intellectual Poison Featurette:
I listen to music, I read books (well I used to read books before the internet), I watch movies and I'm also an incredibly sarcastic guy. So I thought I'd smash the two ideas together for a whole new feature of Intellectual Poison, alternative titles or song lyrics that reflect my to the bone cynicism and personal desire to bringeth the smackdown upon all that is good and true and nice and sweet. Most of the alternatives will be sophomoric in style and sexual in orientation but maybe not. We'll see. Oh yeah, this may also become a clearing house for my new band names as well.
And here we go, the first few titles, hot off the presses:
File these first few under Sarcastic Titulation
Harry Penis and the Underage Vagina or the incredibly easy Harry Penis and the Sorceror's Bone

A possible Band Name or Two:
This was stolen from a friend I lost touch with almost a decade ago now but is still damned good quality. Schindler's Fist, just so she could raise her drumsticks at the end of the show and say "Thank you, we are Schindler's Fist". It would also work for a historical porn (that would be a cool confluence, education and porn!).
Bullseye Dixon was the name of a pal's band for a long time. Clever and funny, just like Joey. It would also very, very well for a pornstar's stage name.
And a pseudo-country song: Ode to my Electric Toothbrush that I Smashed on the Ground During the Last Blackout. (Its pseudo because everyone knows that country boys don't brush their teeth much less use an electric but hey, I liked it.)

I've also got some replacement song lyrics in me but I want to get the other post pulled together and released to the wild first. And then there's this week's Cheddar X that I've got to get to.

One more bit 'o joy and then its lights out with more house hunting tomorrow, maybe a little ride up to Dela or out on the motorcycle. We shall see.

A Politically Incorrect Observation
I'm sure that I'm headed straight to hell if there is one but damn, Christopher Reeve is about the creepiest looking guy ever now. I just saw a recent interview with him and he just plain weirds me right the fuck out. Yes, I feel bad for the guy and wish he weren't as broken as he is but damn. I might have nasty dreams tonight because of him.

Fun with Semantics and Enunciation
Has anyone else noticed how similar the words "tourist" and "terrorist" are? Might make some friendly fire incidents if the Marines come blasting in and Dick and Jane Johnson from Hoboken start screaming "Tourist, tourist, tourist."

And heck, everytime Shrub talks about the war on terror, it always sounds like he's saying "tourist" and sometimes I'm not sure that that's what he means too.

Random Collect Calls from the County Jail
I know its the cool thing to talk about Thanksgiving and all the shopping being undertaken today and spend, spend, spend because its now officially the Christmas rush and all the good stuff will be sold out by noon.

Instead, I think that I will blog about a random call I got the other day. A curious one as it was a collect call from the Santa Cruz County Jail. The first call we ignored because, really, do I feel like going and bailing out someone? No. No, I didn't. But I was interested enough so that I did pick up when the second call came in an hour or so later.

The voice announced a collect call from an inmate and said his name was John. Which made me think it was an old friend of mine from Cabrillo College years ago. The last time I saw him, some three years ago now, he had just been released from a short stint in the pokey (do you really need to ask why its called the pokey? no, I didn't think so). But it wasn't the John I was thinking of and it certainly wasn't the call I was thinking of.

Instead it was a call from a guy who used to hang out with us in the neighborhood a couple of years ago. He had been locked up pending trial for more than ten months and was facing a very, very uncool prospect of 25 to life. No wait, let's say that again, 25 years to life in prison. And who did he kill? What crime did he mastermind? What country did he extort? Well, its a combination of poor foresight and already having two strikes against him already and for being in the wrong place at the wrong time (and also for not scarpering away for the hills when he had the chance but we'll get there).

First, some more background on my relationship with him. He's a likeable guy at first meeting, personable, funny and engaging. But, a few minutes of exposure and you realize that he's also all about John, he's more than mildly self focused. Not in an incredibly off putting way, just in mild way and not enough to cast him off for good. He's got several good qualities and can be alot of fun to pal around with. He's a good storyteller (complete with embellishments for dramatic effect and to reduce his own poor behaviors). And a decent volleyplayer, he said that he had once been a nationally ranked tennis player but I always took that as one his embellishments. It might have been true or might have been more smoke he was blowing.

Anyway, he was an acquaintance but not a close friend. I also learned what he had actually been in prison for the first time and it wasn't anything as gentle or innocent as he'd first explained it. Now, I didn't get access to his police record but I did hear it from a good authority with no reason to lie to me and more, a desire to let me know really what the kind of person he was and is. So I believed my friend and made a conscious effort to distance myself from John. I had plenty of drama in my life at the time and didn't really need to complicate things further.

One time he stopped by to visit and it stands out in my mind very clearly. I was working on the computer, writing I think. And he came over looking for one of my other housemates. Since they weren't around, he tried to hang out with me. And by hang out, I mean he waxed on and on about how popular he was and was dealing with his cells phone book being completely full so he'd had to delete someone to add this new hot chick he'd just met. After that failed to draw me into a conversation, he started poking through my closet and remarked that he'd organized his closet by color so it was like a rainbow and he had lots of clothes with the tags still on them, as if that meant the slightest damn thing to me. Basically, he tried to toot his own horn in front of me and I, more or less, ignored him and tried to write as best I could.

I don't think he's a bad guy, I think he's just a little wrapped around himself and it taints his ability to emphathize with others. And as such, I can't really spend time with him because I cannot stand self absorbed people. Their world may revolve around them but mine most certainly does not and its just grating to attempt to deal with people like that.

So let's get to his present situation and give him some external attention that he'll never know about but would warm the cold recesses of his heart to know.

Two strikes in, one for a crime he definitely committed and deserved a pretty stiff sentence. One strike that he didn't deserve, another wrong place at the wrong time and doing the wrong thing. He didn't commit the robbery and actually, the guy who did it has admitted it but won't admit it to John's lawyer even though the statute of limitations has run out. Whatever, people don't want to go on the record for being thieves, I can understand that.

So we get to strike number three. He shouldn't have been hanging out afterhours at the restaurant with his pals, he shouldn't have stayed late, he shouldn't have been drinking (parole violation) and shouldn't have had any dope in his car. But he did. And with that stage set night after night it was really only a matter of time before something happened that would jeopardize his freedom. One night, a waitress's tips went missing and, after the cops were called, he was taken into custody because he was a parolee and shouldn't have been there in the first place. Regardless of whether he stole the money or not (my tendency is to think that he didn't steal it). A simple search of his person would have proven his innocence or guilt but I guess they didn't think to do that or something (here's where the fuzziness sets in as he omits various details that might shade his own involvement and my ability to believe becomes taxed to the limit).

I don't ask for much, truth is one, and not blowing smoke up my butt is another (though they're just different sides of the same coin). You want my support, come clean and tell it all, without omitting the parts that make you look like a scumbag because if I learn about those aspects from another party then you have just burned any goodwill with me. I understand that circumstances arise that make people do extraordinarily stupid things or craven desperate acts of self preservation at the expense of someone else's well being or belongings or whatever. Coming clean about it is a way of owning up to your mistakes, lying to cover them up is just another signal that you're not ready for my help or sympathy or whatever.

So he was in the wrong place and now faces 25 years to life. All of this I learned in a half hour conversation that consisted of me saying "Damn, that sucks" and "Wow, you got fucked, man."

And then the sell, the main reason for the call and the explosion of news. He has a trial hearing coming up in a week or two and needs to pack the court with character witnesses and well wishers, people that are basically there to support him and say that he really shouldn't spend the rest of his life in prison because of this bull of him stealing some girl's tip money (nothwithstanding the first rule of restaurant life that you never, NOT EVER, let your tip money out of your sight no matter what). I don't think he does deserve to go to jail for it but, on the same token, I think he should known alot better than to allow himself to get into that position to begin with. He knew the terms of his parole, he violated them routinely. He knew the consequences of his actions, especially with having two strikes against him, and yet he still tempted fate by not keeping his shit in order and himself out of the bars.

Does that mean he should forfeit his freedom forever? No, I don't think so. Does it mean that I should take on a risk to try and help him out? I don't know yet. Would he help me out if I were in his shoes? Maybe, if he wasn't busy. It makes for some interesting internal dialogues and, while I feel bad for the guy getting a bum rap, I don't know if I will end up extending myself to try and preserve his life that he so easily cast to the winds by not following the terms of his parole.

I'm open to opinions and arguments for and against. What do you people think?

[Update: The lawyer's assistant has now left two very long, very rambling messages about the hearing next week. I've also heard a bit of the insider news about his arrests and his second strike and let's just say that there's something that's not quite right with the two sides of the story. And, the fact that the lawyer people are hounding me now is contrary to how I would deal with this thing. They don't know it but hassling me is the fastest way to get me to not take part in any of it and let the winds of chance blow him into a six by eight foot cell.

Its also not helped by the fact that P has her first ultrasound that day and, if its a choice then its no choice, I go with her to the doctor. Our family and her health far, far outweigh any interest I have in helping to free an acquaintance.]

Mega Props to Curt
A very big thank you to Curt of Curt's Weblog for helping me to finally, finally figure out how to get the archives to work properly. In the end it was, as most solutions are, very simple but I'd been scratching my head over it for many, many moons.

Thanks Curt!

Things to be Thankful For
A short list as I'm heading out the door to drop off picks before the football starts.

My wife, a source of endless amusement and fun and joy and love.
The depths of my gratitude for the tiny baby growing in her belly can't even begin to be measured.
The fact that I ride my bike to work most every day.
The beach and ocean, even if I don't use them as much as I should.
Apple, for not having crumpled all those times that people had put a fork in them and called them done. They are both my favorite technology company and a damned fine inspiration to keep fighting until the very end.
I'm thankful for my family, even if they are all more than three thousand miles away and I missed Thanksgiving with them. I miss them.
My friends for obvious reasons.
My blog and the blog pals I've made, its a whole world that I'd not known about and couldn't think of life without anymore.
I'm also thankful for free internet Porn, I'm a guy.
I'm incredibly thankful for the opportunity to buy a home in the next week, but there's no pressure, none at all.

I'm almost certainly forgetting a few big ones and innumerable little ones but that's why this is a short list.
If I forgot you or forgot something then let me know and I'll set the record straight.

No More Complaints about Money from Me
Saw this link to the Global Rich List over on this MetaFilter thread today and it opened my eyes to say the least.
Nothing like being able to quantify where you fit on the global scale of wealth.
Strange thing is that I plugged in my income and it kicked back a percentage that had my birthday in it.
And its also nice to know that I'm among the top one hundred million wealthiest people on the planet but I should note that this little dealie isn't about wealth, its really about income. So I've got an income in the top one hundred million people worldwide. Cool.

The Facts of Life with a Pregnant Wife
We're only about nine weeks into this new experiment called parenthood and I've already learned so much. Toss in the house hunt, the wedding just passed last month and I'm just a veritable fountain of wedded knowledge. Now, granted that most of it is useless to anyone else, I'll just try to stay on the practical stuff as much as possible.

First off, this is nine months (not ten as many people seem to want to say, the ten month pregnancy thing is based on a 28 day month, i.e. the menstrual monthly cycle, and, as such, is utterly useless for people like me since, surprise surprise, I'm a man), this in nine months of my wife being mostly in charge. Her needs come first, her body is the staging zone for our new combined lifeform to find purchase and grow so her body is more important than mine right now.

Second, her body has turned into a high volume methane factory. If someone were smoking near her (not bloody likely before she was pregnant and ever more improbable now that she is) then I wouldn't be surprised if she could blow up a city block. No, its not that bad but damn, it is impressive from a perennial teenage boy point of view.

Did someone say moody? She's not moody, she's just an alternating current of happy, unhappy, nausea, crankiness and tired, tired, tired. Think you know which mood she's in right now? WRONG. And be careful, she's tender in lots of places. And that nausea? It can return in a flash.

Would I trade this time for anything? No, I wouldn't because my over riding thought is for her, trying to make this as comfortable and easy a process for her as possible. I know we're in the early stages of it and I know that the road we're on gets steeper and more difficult as we progress. But I also know that, at the end, we'll be a real family unit, bound together through the creation of a new life and that absolutely thrills the heck out of me.

My post birth concerns are that it will be hard to "reprogram" P to doing things on her own again and not expecting me to take care of everything as much as I have been. We'll have a whole new focus of our lives and the baby becomes the one in charge. So, basically, I'm no longer the captain of the good ship Johnny Huh? I'm just a passenger on the journey and that's fine by me, for now.

[Update: By the way, I should note that I will undoubtedly get some smackdown from my lovely wife for having the nerve to discuss her gas online. Oh the dangers I run by sharing these ethereal tidbits from my life!]

Quick Review: Achiev One coffee drink
Skylar Haley Achiev One Hazelnut Creme:
It bills itself as the better coffee boost and maybe that's true if they're discussing its nutritional advantages it has over a Starbucks candy coffee drink. Half the calories and a decent mix of vitamins and minerals that would, on the face of it, defeat many of the other comers in this growing new market segment of caffienated coffee flavored energy drinks. But the only problem is that it tastes like crap.

Not exactly like crap but more like a soy or rice milk based chemical concoction that leaves a greasy sort of sensation in my mouth. Not a good sensation at all and the flavor lingers, which would be fine if it was a good taste but its not. Its chemically, its abnormal and really just kind of nasty.

I ended up tossing it out with more than a third left in it and that's the best demonstration I have of whether a product is any good at all. Only the worst products don't even get finished and this one is gross.

The best thing about the site link is that I came across the Babelfish Auto Translator device, which led me to Alta Vista to check it out and now, I've got instant translations into 8 languages (none of which I speak although I can swear in most of them). Want it for your site? Get it here.

[Update: I threw away this nasty drink more than an hour and a half ago and still can't seem to shake the aftertaste. Its hanging over my palate and makes everything taste kind of sickly and gross. I only hope the application of a Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tart can combat the ickiness in my mouth.]

Fanning the Flames of Flaming Pedophilia
A friend of Michael Jackson came to his defense today by saying he shared a bed with Michael and "damnit" nothing happened. The sotry is Man Shares Bed with Jacko and No Touchy Feely Rubba-Dub-Dub Lovin'. At first I was able to dismiss the defense because, come on now, the guy's 21 but we're talking back in 1987 when he was a juicilicious 5 or 6 years old. Or maybe not, its hard to tell, he might have been as much as 10 when he had his sleep over nights at Michael's Neverland Ranch.

There's an explanation, of course. Maybe Wade Robson was one ugly and smelly kid and Michael just couldn't get a woody for him. It would be the utter height of folly to say that every child put within arm's reach of Jacko got molested. If that were the case then he'd have been locked up long, long ago. Who knows what makes one child a pedophilic's wet dream and another is just an acquaintance but just because Jacko didn't molest this kid certainly cannot be used to exonerate him in his current legal battles. What about the kid who he paid off to shut up? For one plus there is always a negative.

And that's all I've got to say on the subject for now. I'm sure there will be more. Oh wait, there is. Who gives the first damn about what Jacko and his posse did and talked about on their way back to Vegas? The whole secret taping thing is a pretty thinly veiled ploy to win public support for Jacko's innocence and persecution by money grubbing parents the world over. Pathetic in its tranparency but it gives them some added ammo to fight back with. Its the "Look at me, people are using me defense." And I hope it fails and the sick scrawny pedophilic fuck gets 25 years in prison.

Search Term Madness
(The game is to take a whole bunch of the random searches that people find your blog by and try to make some sort of story out of them. This is my first real attempt at it and I'm looking forward to more practice and fun with it. I was thinking it would be cool to frame a story, use the search words, write a paragraph or two and then pass it along to someone else to blog on with.)

"They were big, those tires, 2.8's at least, and that's a big tire," he said.
"Quit your stupid intellectual ramblings, you norcal photo blogging fool, I'm watching Orpah for Elaine Davidson and her japanese see through skirts, then Katelyn will be coming on to show us how to make some kick ass rum drinks," his tired and highly disheveled room mate hissed at him.
"I saw some plastic surgery mpegs of Michael Jackson today and a popup storybook of Jessica Lynch and they were capable of poisoning limewire."
"No, no you didn't, that was a dream, there are no surgery movies of Jacko," he retorted angrily as he stabbed the volume button. "Make me one of those three mile island iced teas you make."
"Don't make me get out my ancient sleeping poison recipes and show you what for," he threatened.
"All those parathetical phrases you utter and not an ounce of battitude in you, why don't you go off and write your momma an erotic e-card, maybe send her some strippella drawings, you know the ones," he laughed.
"Bugger yer puppy, lad, bugger yer puppy, I'm no Gudy Two Shoes but I'm also no Limbaugh, I'm more in the middle, sort of a McNabb/Rhodes combination," he argued his case against him.
"Oh you're just the king of all juicy fruit pinatas. You are a true stimulant, you eccentric cornershot."
"I have three words for you, are you ready, are you ready?"
"Yes, go on, I'm ready for you, you magnificent bastard."
"Ariana Huffington Nude."
"Huh?"

When In Doubt, Link to Others Who Are Cooler or More Interesting
Kat's got me scratching my head alot and laughing quite a bit as well. Go on over and read about her adventures in one night stands to end dry spells.

Or hit up Sedalina for some pending marriage jitters along with a taste of the bureaucratic hell that her job has become, toss in a sprig or two of historical stories about how she came to be as she is and you've got yourself a Sedalina Souffle.

A new blog to me that's appropriately named, Anger Management. Good insights, good writing and, occasionally, fall on your ass funny writing.

HollyGoingLightly has got to be one of the coolest named blogs I've come across in a long time and yes, it is an homage to Audrey Hepburn's role in Breakfast at Tiffany's. And that means I will almost undoubtedly like it, even if the content were poor, which it isn't.

Carlene's perpetually hard to spell (I screw up the l's and t's) Stiletto Philosophy has been slow lately but is just starting to catch up again after her patio project wound up. I'm still clueless as to what she's talking about in her cryptic post but that's okay, I'm pretty used to being clueless about lots of things.

Anyone in need of a Bay Area Traffic upadte? Good stuff to know when you're thinking about heading over the hill and 17's a parking lot due to yet another truck jack knifing and punting an asshole in an SUV.

One high note is that the Cheddar X is going well and I'm enjoying reading people's answers to our questions. This week's a hodge podge week but next week is a themed week again, I think the plan is go with questions answered with song title's from your favorite band (yes, I did borrow the concept from intellectual properties but she borrowed it too so its all good, we're recycling online!).

If you want to go to a museum but don't feel like putting on pants then go and surf through Levitated | the Exploration of Computation for a reasonable fascimile. Other good spots online for learning without pants, The Tech, Aviation History Online, Motorcycle Museum Online and, last one, Museum of Science. And, because I like to lie like a rug, one more, Canon Camera Museum.
[Update: The link to the Aviation "Museum" is interesting but segues very quickly into a shopping site for plane stuff. Many of the links I checked out led to a small page about the plane and then random links to buy models or pictures.]

And, if you want to post pictures to online then you might check out Gallery :: your photos on your website.

That will do it for this round of posts again. I'll try to put something of substance together for later on tonight. And, thanks to Les, I have a better sense of how the Search Term Story concept is supposed to go.

Unfaithful Blogging
I've been having a seeping feeling, a growing dread that my blog sucks more and more with each passing day. Its not bringing me the same kind of pleasure it used to. Its not fulfilling the void in me anymore and maybe that means I need to change channels on it and try something new.

I don't know, maybe I'm just aggravated by the house hunt that's not going well because we don't have enough money to buy a half a million dollar house (no shit, that's the median cost out here). Or maybe I've got a lot of pent up concern that we'll over extend ourselves and be really poor when we have this baby and that's not cool or right at all.

I'm trying to stay focused on the positive and moving forward with things but damn, right now I just feel like deleting this blog and starting fresh. Maybe I should move over to Movable Type and see how that works for me for a while. I know I want to redesign the look and feel here but that'll take a weekend that I don't have right now.

And I do know that another part of my unsettledness has to do with the fact that we're going to miss my family Thanksgiving back east with the everyone. We'd both been looking forward to it and now it won't happen for another year. Sucks but not much we can do about it now with Thanksgiving two days away.

Now I have to figure out how to to not get horned into something else because all I want to do for Thanksgiving now is watch my football, make some turkey, some stuffing, some pie (oh yeah, I'll miss the heck out of the pies!) and fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon.

Stupid unsettled angst! But at least I've got my infrared thermometer on the way. I'm sure that that will solve all of my troubles. Just don't ask me how.

The Clock is Now Officially Running
Sorry if you came looking for my promised Search Word Story, it is pending and I've been working on it but damn, its alot harder than I thought to take the freakishly diverse search terms and weave them into something resembling a story. I've rewritten it a few times and still am not happy with it. Its too easy to just get into bizarre random conversations so I'm going to spin it some more and see what comes up. The other problem is that alot of my recent search terms have been something to do with Elaine Davidson, the holiest chick on the planet with 1903 holes pierced in her skin.

I don't need piercing stuff, I need filthy dirty sex searches, like people looking for lurid nastiness. Stuff like midget porn or amputee porn or pornstars picking up average joes for sex or feet fetish or watersports or cheerleader spanking or coprophilia or other fringe sexual activities. Maybe some upside down toaster lovin' for the appliance fetishists? Or how about those bean bag lovers who spend their Friday nights spending quality time with their furniture? Or maybe I should try and get some of those people searching for nude pics of people like Martha Stewart, Connie Chung, Diane Sawyer, Katie Sagal and Star whatshername on The View. But that would be crass and cheap of me, not when I get such winning searches as people looking for recipes to make their own poison, I'm sure its just for curiousity and not because they want to kill their neighbor's dog or anything like that.
[Update: Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Sex Video, Paris Sex, Paris Hilton infrared love movie, Rick Salomon does Paris Hilton on a grainy green video. Sex, sexy, sexilicious, booty call, the ol' in & out, the horizontal mambo, tube snake boogie, trouser trout technique, malaysian sex spin, Thai basket sex. Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton's Sinful Life.]

Anyway, let's focus, people!

The clock is ticking away now, we're on a deadline to find a house to buy. I ran a whole crapload of numbers last night and arrived at a few realizations. The first is that we can't afford to get into the kind of house we want right now. We have to start smaller and then work our way up. Or, in our likely scenario, we have to buy a house further away from where we want to live and then buy our way back into the neighborhood once we've built up enough equity. The skinny is that we've now expanded our search range to include Watsonville which is less than wholly ideal for me but will work well for P. I'll be commuting about a half hour for a couple of years which will be a bit of a drag but I can live with it. Especially if that means I can buy a fun little car to buzz around in, can anyone say 914? Yeah, I thought so. Either that or I'm thinking a VW Corrado. Something fun.

Two weeks. That's how much time we've got to find and settle on a house. So I'm headed out tonight to check out a couple of places in Watsonville to see where the best neighborhood is, what's closest to the highway, those areas that aren't overrun by people with cars up on blocks on their front lawns and things like that. My concern is that we'll move into a neighborhood filled with buster dumbass knobs with street racer styled Honda Civics or worse. And I'm not quite sure how to best determine that aside from going there and seeing what's like just before dinner time.

But one of the places we're now thinking about has a lot to offer including a greenhouse which would be awesome for the winter, a yard with a fence so we can get a dog again, two car garage so I can store my bikes and motorcycle inside and safe and more. It'll be cool if its in a decent location but if not then we'll just keep looking and hoping that something comes up sooner rather than later.

It is good to know the full story about timing and how much we can spend and when its all got to be done by and the fact that we'd love to get our financing all sorted out before hand but its not a necessity. Speaking of which, I've gotta give a call to my lending company and update them on some numbers (the first set were just a wee bit out of our price range for now).

I'll be working on the story later on today and will try to bang it out tonight. But, in the meantime, I need some cool search terms to find me. Come on all you closeted jackin' freaks, let's see what you got. You need lactating nude wrestlers? How about obese supermodels? Or transgendered monkey lovers? Nah, maybe not.

And, sorry mom!

Damn, Forgot to Write the Referall Story
I forgot to write up the story based on referalls this weekend. I'm adding it to my calendar and will hack it out tonight then. In the meantime, let's keep those bizarre search strings coming!

Maybe I should start a list of some of the more interesting ones to cull from.

And In Ignoble Death News
Nickolas Sandoval dies while attempting to swallow a bag of dope he had with him when he got out of his car to change a flat tire. What could possess him to try and eat a plastic bag filled with ganja? The police had stopped to help him.

Rest well, Nickolas, your genetic input into the gene pool will not be missed.

Those Things That Are Internal Fingernails on a Chalkboard
You know how, when you lose a tooth, or crack one or get a piece of popcorn stuck in between two teeth, you know how you can't help but slide your tongue over it again and again? Or, when you bash your elbow on something, how you seem to keep hitting that same sore elbow on everything else until it feels better and you forget about it again?

Or, in my case, that one wild whisker that escaped the buzzing death that is the Braun Syncro. Its all but invisible to the entire world but its driving me nuts. I'm going to head to the bathroom (where we have water again today after Friday's flooding!, it truly is the simple things like having a place to go to the bathroom, that make life worthwhile again).

And I'm going to head down to Aptos today to check out the condo spot to see how it might work out for us. Assuming that goes well, then I get in touch with my father-in-law and let him know we've found one. I just don't want this sucker to slip away before we can get a bid or two in on it if it'll work for us.

Keep your fingers crossed and maybe we'll have ended this house hunting before it even got to be a drag at all. Though it was fun walking through the various places on Saturday, its not what either of has any interest in doing every weekend into February.

[Update: Would that it were so easy, but no, of course not. We are too few and not low enough income to get it. And back to the hunting I go.]

Interesting and Relevant (a first) Housing Link
I've always been fascinated with the concept of underground houses. There's something cool (both figuratively and literally) about living underground.

So I thought I'd toss up this link I came across for Underground (Earth berm and sheltered) Homes. Done right I think an underground house would be truly bitchin' but done wrong and people would call you MoleMan for the rest of your life.

Closing in on a new Home
We went out and toured a bunch of houses on Saturday, the first that we drove by was down in a heavily packed redwood grove off the road in Ben Lomond, California. It was cold, moist and had neighbors right on top of the property. That and it was a "contractor's special" which meant it had no floors or other simple touches.
The second was a first floor condo in Scotts Valley. Not a bad place and would have been doable but it was not right and was a bit far away.
House number three was very cute, a tiny little thing of a place boasting two bedrooms if one 7x8 closet can be called a bedroom? It had a nice little yard but not enough of anything and having a child there would be stressful for all of us. The best part of this house is that it is in the neighborhood, not really close to the beach but closer than where we are now and my commute would be a few minutes shorter.
House number four was in Aptos and seemed huge in comparison to the last little place. It had a great wide open layout with a nice and shiny new kitchen, one big deck, a smaller deck off the second story landing, two bedrooms, two bathrooms and a big two car garage. It was our favorite even though it was among the redwoods and seemed cold. The view down into the gully was cool though.
House number five was the most expensive of the day, was closer than the other house to the beach. But damn was it beat up, it could have easily eaten up a hundred thousand in repairs. But it had a nice big lot, was a decently large house but it was patched together and really, well sucked.

A reassessment of the rationality of paying the sorts of silly numbers we're having to consider for buying a home in this damned town has removed the Aptos house for consideration. It would just strain our expenses too much and with a wee monkey on the way it makes alot more sense to turn the high number down to something reasonable.

Anyway, all that said, I'm going to run by a place tomorrow at lunch to see if it looks right since the numbers are eminently doable. Now its just a question of checking it out, getting the loan sorted out and then breaking out of here. Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Maybe it will be.

Embracing the Inner Geek
The depths of my own private geekiness.

I was just sitting here thinking about how cool it would be to have an infrared thermometer, you know, the one with a laser sight. Think about all the interesting things you could learn with it. You could walk around your house and find out where the drafts are, you could tell which cars just got home and which had been there for hours and cooled off already. You could take a sick pal's temperature while pissing them off by flashing a laser in their eyes.

Of course, by you, I mean me.

I could check both my fish tanks without moving, I could figure out just how hot the dryer fire does get.

So what have we learned?
How about this thermoview thermal imager to play your own game of Predator (you'll have to provide the warpy sound effects). It's only $10K, I hope Santa brings me one. Here, go straight to the gallery.

No, I'll likely end up with the MT4, its got the laser sight which is key to proper enjoyment.

I wonder if I can check how cold the ocean is from the cliffs? How do I tell what the temperature is right where I am?
But man oh man, wouldn't that thermal imager be just bitchin?

J. Lo's Legacy
You know the one thing about J. Lo that she should be forever reviled for?
Popularizing those absolutely butt ugly goddamned sunglasses she wears. Now half the people I see have them on and they are just downright stupid looking. I have a hard time carrying on a normal conversation with someone dumb enough to wear them.

Please people, they look awful on her, they look awful on you. Just say no to J. Lo hoochie style sunglasses!

When Ideas Go Wild
I posted a comment over on Sedalina's blog the other day about how it would be cool to see a graphical representation of the network of bloggers and All Guinness thought it was a good enough to take and run with it. Check it out, its a cool implementation of raw idea and I like it.

I was kind of thinking of something like the Visual Thesaurus (which is, by the way, truly far too cool for words and you've gotta check it out for yourself). But with blogs instead of a thesaurus. Sort of a dynamic and changing world that you can sift through and find new places to explore easily and intuitively.

And do go check out the Visual Dictionary, if you're disappointed by it then I'll give you your price of admission back (and no, that doesn't apply to the desktop version).

More Friday Randomness
First off, who can resist naked protestors? I know I can't and so, I give you Naked Bodies Spelling No Bush. Its kind of hard to read because of the angle of the pic but keep in mind that these are naked people laying in the snow, now that's protesting!

I came across Negative Velocity last night and he has a truly great idea, making up stories from the whacked shit that people come to your blog searching for! This, combined with Roundtable Storybook could yield some of the funniest stories ever. I will be giving an attempt to this concept over the weekend if I can.

And damn, it would have made Nanowrimo a cake walk if only I'd known of this before.

Good Fun Time Now
Think you're an 80's pop trivia superstar? Prove it by taking the 80's Pop Quiz and be prepared to be humbled. Its a fill in the blank quiz and there will be much forehead slapping Doh'ing when you see the answers.

And for the mountain biking set or those who enjoy some gorgeous views and panoramas, MTBR Panos. This link came via Jay and is already posted up on NorCal Bikers.

And there will be plenty more good fun stuff happening throughout the day.

Lots of Friday Action
I've got a lot going on today. And, as usual, I will try to share some of the highlights here.

First off, how often do you get to work only to find that someone popped a water main in the parking lot behind your building? The same parking lot they were supposed to be finished with yesterday is now a muddy deluge of water, dirt, some sewage, lots of methane gas and just plain nasty stink.
At one point there was almost two feet of water rushing down the outside walkway below our offices. And yes, we're damned happy and lucky that we're on the second floor and not the first. I dare say that Cafe Mare, the mortgage company and the hair salon will be closed well into December to clean out and sanitize after the heavily mudded waters recede.

Yep, I did shoot some pics and some video. I'll upload them to the powerbook tonight and see if there's anything worth posting from them.

I'm not sure where this link should go so I'm just going to post it here and have at it. Baseball fans (and ornithologists presumably) will recall when Randy Johnson's Fastball Hit a Bird (note, its a decently large mpeg but is worksafe unless you work at the Audobon Society).

And fear not, there's plenty more to come today if I can waggle the time.

In What's Wrong With This Picture News
Among the hundreds and thousands of news stories being published about Michael "Its Not Pedophilia If I Love Him" Jackson are a large number of fan based stories. Basically, his fans think he's innocent no matter the fact that he's an utterly fucked up guy who dangled his own child over a four story balcony just last year. Here's one of many articles on the subject, some of Jackson's fans as delusional as he is. This is another case of people defending the pop star irregardless of the man (or manchild in this case) who lives in that same skin.

Its very similar to the idiot basketball fans defending Kobe Bryant because he's a Lakers star and because he's a basketball star, he's incapable of raping a woman.

Make the break, you fan apologists, understand that the King of Pop and Michael Jackson, the guy who sees nothing wrong with sleeping in the same bed with young kids, are two different people. You may like his music and worship his dancing or whatever but, at the end of the day, he's human with his own eccentricities. Of course, in his case they have been blown waaay out of control by excessive money and sycophants. The guy's obviously got major emotional and mental problems. If he's sick in the head then let's get him fixed. But if he's just a filthy kid touching pedophile then toss his scrawny little ass in prison.

Side note, I heard some rather startling numbers this morning on the news, did you know that Jacko is 5'11" and weighs all of 120 pounds? I'm 5'9" and generally weigh around 175. I wonder if he's got eating disorders on top of all his other issues? Not that I care really. If he's guilty of molesting this kid, who I've also learned is a cancer patient, then he should go to jail for the maximum length of time. And hey, he could share a cell with Kobe and they could make sweet love all through the night.

Cheddar X and Movies
This week's focuses on movies as a theme and I think we should skip the previews and dive right into the goodness that is the Cheddar X.

From Chewie,
1. What's your favorite/least favorite movie?
Favorite movies are hard to choose, I have several but I'm partial to LA Confidential, A Far Off Place and Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Least favorite movie I've seen or just least favorite movie? Least favorite I've seen has got to be either Posse (the Mario van Peebles crap western) or From Dusk til Dawn. Least favorite I've not seen, anything with Barney or Hugh Grant in it and I'm not overly fond of anything with Madonna in it either, she can't act and is kind of hideous on a big screen.

2. What's the best movie-adaptation of a book?
Easy, A Far Off Place, even though they did a gender switch on the two main characters it was still excellent.

3. What movie makes you cry?
Cry? What's that?

4. What movie do you watch to cheer you up?
80's crap like Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club are good. The Road Warrior for entirely different reasons and Breakfast at Tiffany's because Audrey Hepburn is truly stunningly gorgeous in it and looking at beautiful women always tends to cheer me up.

5. Any amusing stories involving movies or the movie theater?
Only one that comes to mind is when we snuck a fifth of Captain Morgan into the dollar theatre, we each bought a huge Coke, drank some and topped it off with rum. After the bottle was empty it accidentally got knocked on its side and rolled (LOUDLY) all the way to the front while we all giggled like idiots.

6. Would you rather go to the theater or stay home and watch a movie?
The theater is alright but the sound system at home is better and I can pause it when I need to take a potty break or make more popcorn. Now all I need is one of those 16:9 letterbox style plasma screens and I'm all set.

7. Are you more awed by a good plot or special effects?
Special effects are cool but if the story sucks then what's the point?

8. Who is your favorite/least favorite actor/actress?
Favorite actor: Kevin Spacey or Guy Pearce (though he SUCKED in The Count of Monte Christo)
Favorite actress: Audrey Hepburn
Least favorite actor: Hugh Grant
Least favorite actress: Madonna

From me,
9. What's your favorite cult movie?
The Road Warrior, Repo Man and Office Space.

From Joey,
10. Matrix Revolutions, worth the wait or WTF?
I guess it was worth the wait because I've not seen it yet and likely won't as my lovely wife hasn't even stayed awake through the first one yet. But all reviews have been that they should have stopped at The Matrix and left the other two as daydreams.

That was fun, I liked this week's questions. We'll have a week of normal Cheddar and then we're back to themes. Anyone got a new one to suggest? I'm leaning towards a set of questions answered with song titles by your favorite band (idea stolen from intellectual properties who borrowed it from somewhere else in the blogosphere). Got an idea? Head over to the and post it on the tag board or in the comments.

Michael Jackson To Turn Himself In
Yeah, that's just the start of the headline, the whole thing reads "Michael Jackson to Turn Himself Into a Giant Bald Eagle (with shin guards and a sequin cape) So He Can Fly Away to NeverNeverLand Where Its Okay to Fondle Little Boys and the Police Won't Pull His Pants Down for Penile Identification"

Seriously though, it was a year ago yesterday that this King of Poop dangled his own infant son off a 4th story balcony in Berlin. Before that he paid an undisclosed, but most likely enormous sum, to hush up another family with a little boy he slept with in the same bed. The problem is that this freak doesn't think what he's done is wrong, he thinks it all cool to play hide the salami and touch each other and whatever else his sickness got up to.

I blame the parents of any kid they let near him and especially so if they're letting Jacko keep them overnight. What the fuck are they thinking? Are they complete and utter morons or are they starstruck and willing to do anything for the plastic surgery gone wrong poster child?

And what's the deal with Mark Geragos (however his name is spelled), first he's got Scott Peterson, the guy who murdered his wife and unborn son, oh wait, sorry, allegedly murdered. And now he's defending Jacko?

In Scary Homophobe News
This morning's Excite poll was about Massachusetts overturning the ban on gay marriages. And, just to illustrate how much further this country needs to evolve, a full 57% of responses disagree with the court's decision to overturn the ban. That's out of almost 14,000 votes.

So, while its a victory for now, it would appear that we're not quite there yet. On the other hand, 36% of the respondents DID agree with the court's decision so that's something to be heartened by.

Folks, allowing two people who love each other to make it public and official and benefit from that partnership is a good thing, regardless of the sexes involved. Persecuting gay people for their feelings is about as intelligent as lighting farts at the gas station or in a pig sty.

Why are people so threatened by two men or two women loving each other? The operative word is loving, they love each other, how can that threaten the narrow minded jackholes who live on a diet of hate and intolerance? Could it be because many of these idiots are in empty marriages and they're jealous of people who share real love? Yeah, maybe.

And One More Thing
I have got to give wicked props to Pop-Up Stopper. It kicks ass and doesn't take names. The only time it fails me is when I turn it off to comment on a blog and then forget to turn it back on again.

And, damn I'm a liar, I think I've finally eradicated the last spyware program on P's computer last night. At one point there were something like 13 spyware programs running at once which, as you might guess, made the surfing more than a little bit of a pain in the ass.